Rayanne Thorn is a regular contributor to intrepidNOW, the mastermind behind #TheGist. She writes about how to combat and leverage fear to your very distinct advantage…
Decision-making is a practice at which many of us are less than experts. It isn’t easy to have to make a choice, to select a direction when outcomes are uncertain. We often rely on our gut or our tenacity to be scrappy enough to get out of a mess we find ourselves in.
I have made a few decisions that cost me dearly. One, ultimately nearly cost me my life – more on that one later. Another nearly cost me my self-esteem. This is part of the story I tell today.
Not quite a year ago, I was approached via email, then phone by the CEO of a small software company with a mission to change the job search process for hourly-wage earners. I loved what they were doing and loved their message even more. I interviewed the CEO on my weekly radio show – so many great things to say, such a wonderful pursuit, to help others.
After nine weeks of travel, intensive learning, and thrilling work, I learned through a Skype video call that I and several other individuals were being “let go” from this company – the company I had just joined. I think “shock” would best describe my first feelings, but a pervasive sadness and disappointment soon took over. I had never been let go from a job before and I had never learned to love a job or team so quickly.
Why had this happened? What had I missed? I must have made a mistake somewhere along the way, it must have been me. 2014 will forever be marked as a year of heartbreak, my year of mistakes. I had left a job I loved for a job I thought I would love even more. Friendships had shifted and changed, some relationships impacted forever. And all of this only deepened the loss I had gone through from a broken engagement in January.
My Year of Loss
I pointed to all this loss as mistakes I had made, as the fault in my stars, just my fate. I must not be worthy of love, friendship, or a joyful, fulfilling career. And thus began a trepidation I had never known: the fear of making a mistake.
Interviews for new jobs were cloaked in this fear. Conversations with friends old and new were dripped with my inability to trust. And reconciliation with the man I loved was draped with what ifs. Fear, mistrust, and uncertainty are great debilitators. And debilitated I was, for months.
Getting Over It
I’m not sure I will ever be over it. I am sure I will carry the scars of 2014 with me forever. Conversations with friends and family were helpful. Many contemplative walks alone were necessary. And the love I felt from those around me, those I knew wanted the best for me, was imperative.
Last week, I married my true love and this week, I started a new job about which I am already passionate. These are my next chapters. And they will be lengthy.
Mistakes are for making
Someone once told me that the strongest parts of you are the parts that have been broken and then healed. If this were true, I would be pretty damn strong all over. I think the broken parts are the results of roads diverging in a yellow wood. We make choices, we move on. No stopping or standing allowed.
This is where we learn. This is where we grow.
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Perhaps you will have some scars, but I think you’ll find them fading much more than you expect! I’ve had some experiences that were tough and I’m always so pleasantly surprised when it stops or nearly stops 😉 bothering me a lot sooner than I thought.
I hope that happens for you.
The scars are there to remind me of where I’ve been and how far I have come. I’m actually thankful for the scars because I survived them: medals of honor, right?
I appreciate your comment and will remember your words when that “phantom pain” appears – as it is wont to do! 😉
I just love you my friend! You always bring it home on these great pieces of the Rayanne puzzle and life’s puzzles.
Now, about that misstep that almost cost you your life? Partying with Guns and Roses in the late 80’s huh? 😉
I just love you too, Ty!
All will be revealed in good time – never fear… I wish it were as simple as a party in the 80s. HA!
Thank for all your support!
Love this Rayanne! I’m so glad that 2015 marks a year of new beginnings. I’m so happy that things worked out with your true love! I think when stripped down to it’s essence life is about learning to choose faith over fear. And we all have our own journey to discover the power of faith, or be swallowed by the darkness of fear. One of my life missions is now to help as many people choose faith and joy as I can! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the wishes and always being an example of family LOVE! My faith lies in what I have been able to overcome and the resilience and newfound personal power it has brought to me — if we are honest, we can see and say that life is rarely easy – it is a hill to climb always — and once you reach the peak? That is when we see the next hill just beyond.
I’ve learned that the hills are only as big as I make them and that perseverance pays off – in dividends — for what is the alternative to persevering?