Rayanne Thorn is a regular contributor to intrepidNOW, the mastermind behind #TheGist. She writes about how to combat and leverage fear to your very distinct advantage…
We enter this life completely dependent upon a parent or caregiver to make sure we receive the nourishment, care, and love necessary to make it through our first several years of life. Human Beings require other caring humans to make it to a point in maturity where personal or sole survival becomes an option.
We are born into a community – whether that community is a single mom or dad, a full, big family, a caregiving facility, or other home/house where care is given and received. There is never any question as to whether or not a human baby requires another mature individual to grow and develop. We know this to be true.
Where We Part From the Idea of Community or Dependence
At some point on this journey of life, we find that we can care for ourselves and begin to shun the relief, concern, or care others can provide. This may result from a variety of reasons: necessity – we are left alone, desire – we want to prove we are mature enough to make it, or hurt – another human has hurt our hearts, minds, or bodies enough to drive us to solitude.
Whatever the reason, each of us faces a time when we are tasked with personal responsibility and we can either make it, fake it ‘til we make it, or fail miserably and go running back home – wherever that home may be.
Fear of Need
This particular fear – the fear of community and dependence, the fear of need – usually comes when we become self-reliant or fear being hurt again – by another human being or a condition, time, and place that has irrevocably scarred us or tainted our taste for dependence and our need for community
There are those who are comfortable with receiving help, assistance, or comfort from others. There are those who have tasted independence and it feeds their souls – they love not needing another human being or a communal experience. Perhaps it is merely to prove to themselves or the one/others who hurt them.
I am well-versed in the fear of need. I have had to pick myself up and dust myself off multiple times throughout my life – one friend even expressed it in this way, “she was born under the sign of the turd,” ß referencing me.
After the end of an abusive relationship, I went completely Scarlett O’Hara. I was never going to need any thing or any one again – I would not “move home, “ I would rely upon only me, I would do what I needed to do to move forward, onward – to better myself, to complete the necessary education for my desired career, to provide for my children in the best way I could. And that is exactly what I did.
But what developed in the process and as a result of all this personal erudition and Phoenician Rising was a fear of needing someone else, of letting someone in, of being vulnerable enough to truly love and be loved.
And while I was able to prove my worth and become my own sacrificial lamb, I gotta tell ya, it wasn’t that great.
I was lonely and addictions began to appear. After I exhausted churches and various systems of belief, I turned to excessive exercise, then I turned to habitual learning – I then fell into writing – a latent passion which had always existed as my silent pleasure. And after the fall, I blatantly threw myself into it – daily exhausting myself in what became a ritual of soul baring and wall-building.
One might ask, how does soul baring build walls? For if you bare your soul, aren’t you expressing the ultimate state of vulnerability? Aren’t you warding off the villains of secrets kept? Yes, and Yes – but this became my safe zone, my confessor. I could share and thus, by revelation, become exonerated and accepted – now we know why she is like she is. Plus, if I out every sin – every mistake, I take away the power someone else or some thing might have over me – for no one or no thing will ever have power over me again. It is indeed crazy how that works. Or, how I thought – presumed – it worked.
And so, like a newborn baby, I had to learn once again to love effortlessly, to not question every motive, and to feel and not fear truth or the love of others.
Letting go of “what do they want from me” still requires a daily effort, after all I am a VP of Marketing for a software company – everyone wants something from me, every day. But I strive to ask what can I give instead of what do they want.
Friends and colleagues will disappoint, as will family members and loved ones. But at this point in my life, as a newlywed and facing an empty nest, I have to agree with Hillary on this one, it does take a village – to mend a broken heart, to build a company, to take care of my last child as he goes off to college.
Thank you to my community and forgive me for my absence, I can’t promise my gratitude tomorrow, but I give it today.
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